his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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