She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
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