I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
