Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
