Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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