ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
