did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
