I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
