but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
