I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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