she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
