I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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