Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
