The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
