when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
