....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Randomize
