I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
