Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
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