Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
