The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
