She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
