Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
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