Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
