youre lurking in front of me
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
