Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
