He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
