Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
