swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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