I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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