I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
