Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
