Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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