He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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