Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Randomize
