I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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