She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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