you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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