Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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