my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
