i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
