Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
