awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
