everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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