Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
