my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize