Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize