Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
How external is "for external use only"?
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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