Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
