dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
