Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
