true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
fuck your aforementioned shoe
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm like, not good at living.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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