hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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