It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
