she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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