I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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