i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
